i found this on my computer last night. something i’d written a couple years ago. much to my surprise, it still pretty much stands true…

I’ve been thinking a lot about what it is I want out of life. Most people say happiness. Yes, life’s all about the pursuit of happiness. But actually, I want more than happiness, I want to never be lonely. I’m not talking about the search for your lifelong partner, I’m talking about never feeling like you are alone because you can feel alone if you’re in a relationship with someone. In fact, you will probably never feel more alone than when you are with someone and yet you, for whatever reason, feel lonely. Of course I want happiness. But happiness is fleeting and to be honest, kind of boring, isn’t it?

mmm…

April 30, 2009

mmm… camera obscura

mmm… beardo kisses and euro fun…

i’ve been saving a can of heinz beans in my cupboard for that morning i really crave beans on toast.

this morning was that morning.

and while i was happily eating my breakfast, i came across an instructional video that came up when i searched ‘beans on toast‘.

is that really necessary? isn’t ‘beans on toast’ pretty self-explanatory???

i am guilty.

April 27, 2009

i managed to drag my rather lazy arse to a friend’s birthday do this weekend. i had my reservations because, let’s face it, who wants to do the whole nice-to-meet-you-what-do-you-do-not-much-at-the-moment-i’m-unemployed routine? especially when you’re on the wagon… still, i kept thinking:

i’m a good friend. i am going.

mutual friends were bailing. ‘i’m gonna bail. i’ve just taken my guests on a crazy sightseeing day.’ ‘i’m bailing. i’m wiped from work.’

i’m a good friend. i am going.

then at the bus stop:

fuck. why is the bus taking so long to come?? maybe it’s a sign. i should give up and go home. watch a film and sleep early. oh fuck. there it is.

upon arrival at the bar, i bump into a friend who is just leaving.

‘i’m so glad i caught you before i left. i’m on my way home. sorry,’ he says with a large, almost empty wine glass and a rosy glow on his cheeks. ‘they’re over there. j’s getting feisty. it’s either the booze or the french chick he’s talking to. and c’s over there with her people. have fun.’

great. i’m going in solo.

greetings, well wishes, presentation of the tiny birthday card i made, some vague, inaudible introductions and then… after i tell my friend i’m waiting to hear about my visa, she launches into a fucking awful story about her friend who had to move back to canada after losing the appeal (even with a good lawyer) of her rejected visa application. ‘they’re becoming more strict now, you know?’

*gulp*

‘yeah,’ i manage, with my stomach in my throat and my jaw on the ground (a tricky combination).

i know she meant well, but come on. not particularly encouraging or helpful to tell me shitty stories like, is it? happy fucking birthday to you. bloody hell.

but then the next day, i was catching up with a good friend who lives and works in new york. he tells me he’s going back to vancouver to surprise his mom for her birthday and to renew his work visa. and this, because evidently, i’m an airhead, leads me to recount the shitty visa story from the night before.

‘why would you tell me that??!’ my friend says to me, incredulously.

hmm… good point. i just pulled the same tactlessness move my friend pulled on me the night before.

damn, i suck.

i am not a good friend.

my pulse is racing…

April 26, 2009

i

can’t

stop

listening

to

my

latest

novel’s

‘all in all in all is all’.

listen here.

download here.

find out more here.

i went on cbc.ca to check the business headlines in an effort to gauge the state of the canadian economy. this way, when either i get deported because my new visa doesn’t come through or i run out of money and have to run back to my parents’ house with my tail between my legs, i’m somewhat aware of the job market i’ll be re-entering upon my return.

maybe it was just the timing, but it was as if someone had planted the top headline, “british economy shrinks at rate not seen for 30 years,” to scare me into hopping on a flight back to canada asap… and by ‘someone’ i mean my loving parents.

in other pseudo-news, i met up with a friend of mine for tea, coffee and chocolate chip cookies bigger than my head this morning and between the two of us wildly optimistic (and clearly naive) people, we finally came to the conclusion that in this economy, the truth is you have to lie.

‘are you energetic, bubbly and enthusiastic about maternity wear?’

why YES! yes, i am!!!

we’ll see how long i can hold out…

(btw, i did go see jeffrey lewis and it was really really great. really.)

i love you but…

April 23, 2009

just over a week ago, i went for a run and took my usual ‘long route’, which is just under 10k, goes through two parks, along a canal, and through the residential streets of my neighbourhood. it was a half decent go. i’m not exactly breaking records or anything, but it felt good.

and then i got home.

and then it felt not so good. it wasn’t terribly painful or anything, but something was definitely off about my right shin. a mild discomfort, i would say.

still, having learned the hard way, if something doesn’t feel right, don’t try and run through it. this landed me with four weeks of not running and having to wear heels all the time because they didn’t stretch the back of my ankle.

so this time, after nearly two weeks rest, i went for it last night. slow, steady pass through my usual route. i ran on the grass or dirt paths through the parks, which felt fine, but the last stretch through the residential streets felt a bit harder on my shin. something was definitely wrong, so i walked the last half km and limped up my front steps.

rather than do the sensible thing and book a doctor’s appointment immediately, i did what far too many people do: i went online and tried to self diagnose. they make it so easy and thorough… i learn about anatomy, they give you exercises to do, tell you how this kind of thing happens and how you might prevent it next time… they even tell you what a doctor or a sports injury specialist can do. and, best of all, i don’t have to wait several weeks for my doctor’s appointment to actually come, by which time, inevitably, the injury will have healed anyway.

and then i remembered a quote: ‘i love you but… you self diagnose on the internet.’

it’s part of an art project by alex holder and ross neil that draws attention to that moment in a relationship when ‘you realise you don’t love someone completely, because there is one little thing that keeps bothering you. when it bothers you so much it actually makes you physically cringe, you know it’s time to say, ‘i love you but…‘.

i’m not in a relationship, so my self diagnosing isn’t in danger of become a deal-breaker and cause my relationship to end, but still… i know it’s bad practice. professionals are trained for a reason. i don’t know what i’m doing or what i’m looking at.

i really should stop self diagnosing on the internet.

(but i think i may have a stress fracture of the right tibia.)